Chicken & Chips followed by Chocolate Gateaux
There were tears last night, not only because the chicken was a little to dry. We were both a little hesitant about whether or not to go - we've done our forgiving.
I said whatever the excercises were around, we should avoid bringing up what was for us the obvious issue, that is in the past and is/has being/been dealt with.
............And still you find more, I always knew my husband was sensitive, but I had no idea how much the slightest little comments had stuck with him, he used to feel dread at coming home from the supermarket with the wrong ingredient for fear of a row. Yes, I used to point out that he must've gone to the completely wrong aisle because they definately stock whatever, but no row ensued, because he just would not enter into one, he took my verbal lashing, then got on with the day.
I knew how stubborn and awkward I was, but he just took it, and sometimes I knew I was trying to just get him to tell me I was horrible and useless and he couldn't stand me, because that's how I felt about myself, why could he not hate me like I hated myself?
I say used to because we both agree now I am a different person, I am calmer, less bothered about little things, appreciative of any help and most importantly I have fully accepted Jesus into my life, He isn't just a person I know about, I know Him, and I follow Him and this has made a vast difference to both our lives.
The key phrase for me last night was "buried anger turns to hate". I had buried my undealt with anger from my childhood and transfered it into periods of hate towards my husband, mainly because I knew he would take it, even though he never deserved it.
Then of course when he did do something that deserved my anger, it went off like a bomb because the anger not just towards him, but towards the events from my past came exploding out uncontrollably.
I forgave him for his behaviour at Easter 2010 - over a year ago. We are both in dramatically different places now, he can tell me if I've p'ed him off, without thinking I'll leave him, and I can accept his kindness without thinking there's an alterior motive.
It has been a long road, and it got far worse before it even started to get better, and I do feel there are many miles ahead, but I don't feel we're at the crossroads anymore, we are both taking the same journey so we'll overcome the breakdowns and emergency stops together.